If there’s one thing that is guaranteed to age us, it’s habit. We have an entire lexicon of pejorative terms to describe compulsive behaviour: “stick-in-the-mud”, “hidebound”, “set in his ways”, “rigid” and a dozen others, all of which connote both ageing and an unbending attitude. Of course, the worst cases are diagnosed as a disorder (OCD), but we’re discussing the simple repetition of our daily activities here, not a condition that requires therapy.

Habitual behaviour might not seem a pertinent topic for a dating site, but look at it this way: at our age, we’ve been around the block a time or two and have become accustomed to a certain type of partner. The result of this is that we’re inclined to seek out those who most closely resemble our former mates, through habit. And the underlying impetus for this is what we like to call “security”, a trap into which we can fall without a second thought.

We are taught that security is a state much to be desired. But is it, really? The verb “secure” means to tie down, to immobilize, the make escape impossible. It means staying in one place, with no hope or expectation of movement. Remember that the most difficult prisons to escape are called “maximum security” facilities, and that the sleekest yacht goes nowhere once it’s been “secured’ to the dock. In short, security is antithetical to spreading one’s wings and exploring all the available possibilities.

What does this have to do with dating? Everything. If you constrain yourself to the one type of person you feel secure with, you may very well be missing out on the most interesting person you’ll ever meet. By allowing yourself to be enfolded in the security blanket of old habit, you shut out a vast array of fascinating people who may not fit the mold of your usual choices. In brief, by seeking out those who resemble past loves, you eliminate the possibility of exploration and adventure of an entirely different type.

So, next time you’re perusing profiles and pictures, skip those who look familiar and concentrate on the ones who appear unusual. For example, if you’ve always preferred blonds, check out the brunettes; if you are automatically drawn to the clean-shaven, look into the possibilities of facial hair. The same goes for profile information: if you have never considered anyone other than a professional, start conversing with a secretary or a carpenter. This is not to imply that you will invariably make a love connection if you expand your horizons, but it will certainly help you break some unproductive old habits and may very well lead to a rewarding new friendship.

For many people, there’s nothing worse than being in love with someone and not having that love returned no matter how hard they try. Unrequited love has been the source and sad inspiration for many songs, books, movies and stories that people have told over the years. However, no matter how many times a person hears the story of an unrequited love, when he or she is experiencing it directly, the pain is still as intense as ever. When a person is suffering from the pain of an unrequited love affair, the number one question they will have is this: Will I ever get over this pain and suffering? The answer is, of course, yes.

Although there might not be any worse pain than an unrequited love, eventually over time a person will manage to get over these strong feelings they are having. Of course, every relationship is different, but if someone expresses the fact that they are not interested in a love affair with a certain person, it will be very difficult to get them to change their mind. Usually, once a person has made their decision, there is no going back to reconsider the affair. When this happens to people, they are recommended to try to accept the decision of the other person, no matter how difficult it might be. Does anyone really want to be in a relationship with another person who does not truly believe in the love? Probably not which is why partners should take one another’s feelings very seriously.

At the end of a love affair, experts say that people should try to keep those lines of communication open with one another so that they can truly express how they are feeling. Not only will this help them mend faster, but it will also offer the couple some much needed closure at the end of a relationship. Above all, people should use this pain to complete some self-exploration so that they will perhaps understand more about themselves so that when the next relationship begins, they will have a better idea of what they need in a partner.

It is easy to lose hope in relationships when there has been pain involved. However, when a person uses that pain to discover more details about themselves, they will be much better off in the long run. People who rise above the pain and learn more about what they need are more likely to find themselves in a relationship that works eventually.

In order to determine if a person is ready for a new relationship, it is important to understand what caused past relationships to fail. Whether a person has a history of choosing the wrong kind of person or if the problem lay within them, these things must be addressed if the next relationship is to be successful. The most common problems that couples must address are sex, money, children and emotional issues.

Sometimes sex is a problem for a new couple because people almost always bring baggage from the past into their new relationships. Either the sexual relations were very good before or they were very bad. A woman who did not receive the desired amount of attention from her last partner may bring neediness or clinginess into her next relationship. A man may have been a bit more adventurous than his last lover and so may scare off a new lover with too much aggression in the bedroom. Once a person has determined what they need their love life to look like, it will be much easier for them to find a person who will be compatible in that area.

Money is another issue that should be addressed before a relationship becomes serious. The common misconception is that the woman is the big spender in the relationship and the man must always be at the ready to rein her in. That is not always the case, so it is vital that a newly formed couple make an appointment to sit down to talk about money when there is no emotion involved. For example, the evening after a bumpy date where the conversation was stale and the dinner was undercooked is not the right time to talk about anyone’s feelings about money. It is also not the right time to talk about money after a nice long romantic weekend. There are too many emotions involved with personal finances to handle this one lightly. Once a person is confident with their money decisions and the plans they have for the future, they can begin to have a real conversation about finances with a new potential mate.

Children are the apple of many people’s eye but for others they are the pits. It is unfair of one half of a couple to think they can rope in a lover who does not want to have kids and then plan to change their mind after some time has passed. It is much kinder to everyone involved, including the future child, to let this partner go and let them find someone with the same desires. Once it has been determined that children are an absolute must, the right choice would be to wait until another person comes along who also really wants kids. On the other hand, if children are negotiable, something can always be worked out. Perhaps the ‘right guy’ has come along and he cannot have or does not want children, so the woman might be willing to satisfy her desire for children by volunteering with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or she could find a job in a day care center.

Probably the most common thing that breaks up a relationship is emotional issues. Past relationships can bring much baggage into the new one if they are not nipped in the bud before they get out of hand. Insecurity is one of the biggest culprits. This insecurity could stem from way back in a person’s childhood or maybe just from the most recent relationship. The stereotype is always that the woman is clingy and craves attention at all times, but men can be equally needy. Another large piece of baggage comes from a past abusive relationship. Men and women both are abused, both mentally and physically.

If these problems have not been dealt with, and the best way to do that is with professional help, then a new relationship should not even be considered. It all boils down to this: A person must live with themselves for the rest of their life, but most relationships come and go. While people who do not yet know themselves keep themselves wrapped up in relationships all of the time, the deep rooted problems remain masked and can not be fixed. Once a person understands what they want from life and really know who they are, it is then time to find a brand new partner.